Discovery.

Some light was shed onto me last weekend, compliments of my father.
This was a bright, blinding light, I would say.



He let me know, while standing up against the counter in the kitchen, eating chicken with his hands.
He killed the chicken that morning, for your information.

I was sitting at the table with Eduardo, my boyfriend, a usual sight. We all sit around the table
and watch my dad smoke cigarettes and talk. He doesn't just smoke cigarettes, another FYI.
He grows lots of things on his farm.

So were sitting and he asks me; "Is Holly on the war path?"
Holly is my mom. And I answered that, yes she is. Considering she closed my bank
account and took all my savings last week. Hasn't spoken to me since.

I made my father aware of the now expired bank account. He was not surprised, even a little
proud I might say. "That's 'cause I beat her in court last week."

This was news. My mother has been in court trying to send my father to jail for
numerous things. And I knew that my father (with the help of his girlfriend who happens to work in a lay firm) had been trying to prove that the child support he was due to pay was unjust. Given that, my mom has been married to Bruce for over a decade, I do not see him enough hours a year to qualify as his daughter (or something like that) and simply; my mom is a money hungry pig.

So, my mom took my bank account money because she would no longer be receiving money from my dad, and she would now have to get a job. Like a normal person. She used my sister hitting me as some kind of excuse. I'm hurt that money to my mom is worth more than my success.

I tell my dad I am sad about not having any money now, and describe my growing anxiety about my future.

This is the punchline:

To witch my dad replies: "Oh yeah, you know if you get a bachelors degree before you turn twenty seven, you get like $300,000 right?"

I stare at him.
No, obviously I was not aware I was entitled to three hundred thousand dollars, dad.

He goes on: "Yeah Katherine (My grandmother on my mothers side) left it for you in her will."

Really? My whole life no one told me this?

He went on to announce that, all I had to do was get a four year degree in college before I turn twenty seven, and I'm set. I also acquire another huge chunk of money when I turn thirty five, for the hell of it.



So, the reason my mom hasn't been supportive of my future is because, if I don't succeed in getting a bachelors degree by the time I'm 27, she gets the $300,000 dollars.

So I'm sad that my mother doesn't want me to be successful, but I'm happy that the chances
of me being happy in the future are a whole lot greater than I expected.

A memior.

I'm at school, thought you'd like to know.

I'm recalling an insident that occured thursday night.
For our personal enjoyment.

To lazy to fix spelling and grammer now, so bare with me.



I walk into the house after dinner with Eduardo, as I pass through the kitchen I notice that:
I havent really been home in three days and their is a disgusting pile of dishes in the sink.
I decide that the dishes are disgusting, and although I was not around to make the mess
I feel obligated to remove it. So I take off my coat and put my purse down in the other room.

So, I beguin to fill the sink with hot water and prepare them to be wahed. (We do not own a dishwasher, for whatever reason.) As I beguin to scrub the first plate I can hear my stepfather
rise from his favorite chair in the other room, moving across the house with haste, work boots clumping obnoxiously on the hardwood.
He stops in the doorway of the kitchen and says "What are you doing?!" with the same tone you would imagine someone to use whom discovered you pouring gasoline all over the floor, or perhaps, throwing the dishes rather than washing them. He uses this tone often, and it has grown to hold a special place of disgust in my heart. When I hear this tone, I immeditly feel completly disturbed.

"WHAT are you doing?" He repeats to me.
I turn and give him a look that expressed the natural feelings I have. Like; What does it look like I'm doing and/or why are you such a psycho?

"Dont you make that stupid face! What are you doing?!" His face flushes red and his voice escilates to a higher pitch. When he's mad, he sounds like a prepeubessant boy.
The tone of his voice does its worst, there is probably nothing that can make me more perturbed.

"I was washing the dishes." I say and take my hands out of the water, beguin to dry them and remove myself from the kitchen. He calles after me.
"No your not! Where is your phone bill! I was doing the dishes!"

Really? Harassed for washing dishes? This is funny because, he likes to complain to my mother about how I make no effort to help out around the house. My phone bill? Its the middel of the month and I already owe? Am I paying two phone bills? And "I was doing the dishes!" strange, from your recliner chair and at ten thirty at night, you were activly washing dishes?

I go into my room and scream into my pillow. Bite my hand, and pull my hair to keep myself from having an outburst. My mother heard the whole thing and apparently thinks their is nothing wrong with the situation. She hides in her room as usual.

I don't even know how to discribe how I feel.

On Monday, I came home from school to find my sister's car in the drive way.
Immediately, I felt my enthusiasm plummet. Let me tell you the basic story of my sisters life.

Age: 20
Name: Alex
Height 5'7
Weight: 135-145
Fair skin, bleached blond hair, hazel eyes.


When I was four years old, she chased me around the house and beat me with a baseball bat.
Growing up, she teased and physically harmed me often.

When I was thirteen, the summer before starting my freshman year, she tried to take money
from me to buy hair dye. When I tried to take it back from her she became violent and
ended up knocking my teeth out, splitting my lip.

My mother sent her to live with my dad in the country, where I have my horses, and Alex proceeded to drop out of school. She never earned a high-school education and has been
living paycheck to paycheck ever since.

My sister, now supposedly and adult, likes to suck up to my mother in an effort to
get money. My mother, being in a miserable marriage and loving to talk about herself,
buys right into it.




Back to my story. I enter the house seeing Alex with that same look on her face as
she had when we were kids. She was out to get me.

Why she is so violent and hateful to me? I can only suggest that its based off some psychological trauma caused when our parents were together-divorced-married again- and divorced again.
She must have felt some anger and lack of control, and I was always smaller and easy to
take things out on.


So, I guess she convinced my mom that I was somehow an ungrateful and spoiled child?
Even though I pay for all I can myself. My mom has me sit down so she can let my sister antagonize me. They start going on about how Alex has to pay for her living and how my
mom had to pay for her insurance since the day she turned eighteen. Trying to insinuate that I have too much luxery in my life.

So I throw some facts down:
Alex dropped out, and wouldn't be such a poor helpless mess if she had made better choices, and the choices she has made are not relevant to my life.
My mom lived with her parents until she was 27, and lived in my step fathers house without
working for nine years.

They get angry. And proceed to tell me how I have not done well enough in life.
Even though neither of these women have accomplished anything, not even happiness.



I am texting my boyfriend. He has called me three times now, waiting for me in the driveway.
Its our Monday off together. We go out.
I'm telling him he might as well leave, because I can see I am trapped and have been
plotted against.

The argument gets heated.

Mom: "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? TELL EDUARDO TO COME IN HERE."
What, so he can watch the two of you attack me? All I did was come home from school
and I'm being treated as if I did something awful.

Me: "I'm telling him to leave,"

So, my mom rips my phone from my hands and runs full speed out the door to get my boyfriend.
Like "Haha I got your boyfriend!" Childish?

Alex is hunching over me like a vulture. I am sitting down with a glass of milk at the table.
"You're going down little girl." She says with a sick satisfaction in her voice. Has she finally found a way to make me as miserable as she?

Me: "You're such a psycho, I cant even begin to keep up."

And she decks me, right in the cheek bone. Full out, wound back sock-in-the-face from a
standing position.

For a brief second, the anger rushes up in me from being tormented as a child.
And I explode.

The glass of milk in my hand collided with her face so fast my brain almost didn't believe
I had thrown it. My fists, knees, elbows all colliding with the soft spots on her body.
And I'm screaming like a savage, in rage and profanity.
She has a fist full of my hair and I can hear the sound of it being torn out at the roots.
I'm still screaming, and kicking and punching.
I actually blacked out some of it. I can't remember my mom or boyfriend removing me from her.

The next thing I remember is being outside, and my mom holding my arms telling me I was
going to pay for a picture frame that got knocked down. I'm still screaming, "SHE HIT ME FIRST! SHE HIT ME! SHE @#&^%going to pay for a picture frame that got knocked down. I'm still screaming, "SHE HIT ME FIRST! SHE HIT ME! SHE HIT ME FIRST! I'M NOT PAYING FOR ANYTHING!"



Alex walks slowly down the drive, wiping the blood from her face and smoking a cigarette.

This is defiantly not the first time she has hit me, but this is the first time I won.

I guess she underestimated that, although she was twice my size when I was thirteen,
I am now three inches taller than her and have healthy muscle from horse back riding.




I am thrilled that I finally gave her what she deserved. But utterly devastated by what happened later. After I explained the situation to my boyfriend, and went to night school.
When I got home I came to find:

My mom, who is the joint-owner of my bank account because I was only fifteen when I opened it.
Closed my account and took all my money.

All I had been saving for college, and life after high school. Never touching a penny.

So, The last time Alex hit me, she ruined her life. And the next time, she ruins mine?




I guess the best way I can describe my feelings is that, I have been stabbed in the back by the people who are supposed to want only the best for you.

I hope no one thinks I take my poll comments to heart.
From what I've observed, something like 85% of the people who get
a chance to comment are those who do nothing but play on the
computer or video games all day. Sure some of the critics have lives,
but a lot aren't allowed to leave their house unsupervised.

The lack of life experience gained by age and social interaction in the
real world doesn't make it easy for me to take them seriously.

Still though, I have met a hand full of people who get out into
the real world as often as myself. And those opinions matter.

Why So Serious?

I have been asked questions like often, so I decided I should give some explanation.
"Why are you so serious, why don't you smile, why are you so cynical?"

Well, I guess I'm going to offer up some pictures of my mothers house hold,
and that may give you an idea of her mental health. And I'll also offer some
small facts about my life.

I pay for:
My phone bill, and I bought my phone.
All of my own clothes and cosmetics.
A lot of my own food.
Any perks I desire, even the $500.00+ something
dollars for drivers ED. And I will have to get a car on
my own.

So I'm making my own way, for the most part.
This is a little stressful because the only job I can
get is the pet store within walking distance.
No job equals, no phone, no new clothes, no shampoo even.
And I could loose this job at any moment, with today's economy.
And without this job I cant get a care to open the door to more jobs.
Its also hard to save money when you feed yourself.

All of my friends are going to college next fall, and I cant even afford the
application fee.

My mother goes on vacation to either Vegas or Paris every summer,
but when I need lunch money she claims she doesn't have it.
Whenever I need something, a hair cut, new shoes-
"I don't have the money, your father never gives me any."
She still blames things on my dad, whom she has been divorced from
since I was four years old.
She had cancer when I was twelve, and with all the drugs shes taking
because of it, and antidepressants, I believe she lives in her own little world.

My stepfather: despises me. We don't make eye contact, we don't speak,
and he is irritated by my very existence. Even when alone in the same room together,
we pretend the other isn't their.

My Father: Its a felon. Dates girls less than ten years older than myself, and he's 52.
I have a half-sister on his part whom is 21 and he dated a girl 24.
I cant go into detail about other things, because its inappropriate.


I've never been on a vacation, or out of my state. Everyone I know is going
to Panama or Mexico for spring break. So they ask "Where are you going for
spring break, Noel?" And I say: "I have never been on a vacation, and can not
imagine myself going somewhere." And everyone stares at me in disbelief.
"What? Never? You have to have been somewhere."
No. Really, I've lived in the same two mile radius my entire life and haven't moved.

I'm so stressed about my future, I get bleeding ulcers in my stomach.


Theirs more I'd like to write, but I'm getting tired. So maybe later.

I'm at School.

Its fifth hour, I got my phone taken today.
Not before making a point to take out the battery, because you hear creepy things on the
news about teachers getting ahold of personal information through taking students phones, and
sending them inappropriate messages. Disgusting.
I'm dyeing for a hot black coffee, I have night school at five untill ten at night.
So after I get out of normal school I'm going to have my boyfriend get me a coffee
beofore I go.
I still have ten minutes left of class and nothing to do.

It took me fifteen minutes to get ready for school today.
Some things are to easy.
I got a guy to get my books for me, and do my assignment.
Some things are to easy.